It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
