im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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