you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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