Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
