Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
