I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you win again, gameday.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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