Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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