Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
