I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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