just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
