You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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