You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
