you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
