Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
