but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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