I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
