I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
