I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
