Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
