Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
