We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
