I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
