The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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