life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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