Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
