just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
