btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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