I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
