elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
