I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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