So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
