In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
