I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
