My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
