Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
