Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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