i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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