She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
