I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
