Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
