she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
