I met the friendliest cop last night
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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