I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My penis needs a shock collar
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
