so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
