i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
