I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
