i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
