i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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