Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
