shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
