please come you make the beer taste better
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
