i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So here I am, sexting at work.
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