I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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