don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
