what day is it and did you see me today?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
